Greentext Goes Through Newgrounds

So, I decided this week to do something a bit different and check out Newground’s selection of adult games. I played on Newgrounds a lot as a kid. Never any adult stuff mind you but lots of Alien Hominid and Newgrounds Rumble during lunch at school. It’s been over a decade since then though and both I and my tastes have matured. Now, lets go find big tiddey sex game. 

Yeah this looks about the same level of quality as it was back when I played. Maybe a bit higher actually. Although in this case I only see one image blatantly stolen from a game. In the past there would be at least 5 more. Anyway, lets see if we can’t find something that isn’t just a trashy VN. Divine Arts Demo looks good. Lets take a look at that.

Divine Arms Demo

Well so far so good. Seems like Newgrounds devs learned a thing or two about UI design since I last stopped by. Back in my day we had to change the quality from the flash settings with right click! You youngins wouldn’t even know what a right click is.

Alright! Short hair. Always a fan of chicks with short hair. I am curious though, are those two things ears or just part of her hair? Like if I cut those off would blood just spew everywhere or would it just be a haircut?

To he honest it’s pretty alright. Once you get used to the fact that you move like an anvil on iceskates and your projectiles have all the acceleration of a tractor it can be fun. It’s incredibly short. Just a demo with 2 levels. You also get a bunch of special moves right off the bat (I’m assuming that doesn’t happen in the real game) that you can use in addition to your projectile. Stuff like summoning orbitals or calling down magic lasers. I think after the holidays I’ll do some digging and see if a full game ever came out.

There’s only one piece of smut and it’s not bad. Animated and pretty alright for nonhuman stuff. It has sound and you can play a little minigame to break out early or take that fat monster dick for a damage buff in exchange for some health. You do get to see the full scene either way though so it doesn’t punish players for trying to get their rocks off. It’s pretty good! Would recommend. Moving on!

Speedmaster

SPEEDMASTER motherfucker. You ready for high fantasy? WITH A GUN?

Welp. Pack it in guys. The entire adult game design strategy has been condensed into a single screen right here. Jewcat? Sierra? HentaiWriter? Alicesoft? Break out the notepads and copy this down.

Ok A. Eww, these are 3d girls. And B. I shit you not, every part of this game plays different music and quotes from 1982’s Conan The Barbarian. This is a religious experience.

Whipping out pistols in situations where you wouldn’t expect them is always funny.

Gameplay is basically the Ikaruga Ikaruga wishes it could be. Large MSpaint sprites fly at you from across the screen that all instantly die to your storm of projectiles. Then you fight a boss…Then you fight him 2 more times. Each time him boasting that this is his final appearance. And what do you get from this? How’s the porn?

This is what you get. If you kill enough enemies you get to see dirty pictures. 13 year old me would have thought this was the best game ever made. Hell, I still think it’s pretty good now just because it has the balls to fucking sample Conan The Barbarian. Now lets get onto the next one before this one actually just breaks my brain.

Total NC: Cameo Collector

I actually recognize this one! Sadisticirony does it and they’re one of the artists I followed on Hentai Foundry. Their art is good if a little unsatisfying. By that I mean it’s not the kind of think I can really jack off to. Maybe it’s just too cartoonish for my lizard brain to see as porn? I can still appreciate it though. This one might have some potential.

Plot is a standard “Inherited X from your magic father/grandfather and must learn how to use it” affair. In this case you inherited an…inter-dimensional brothel/human trafficking hub? Yeah, turns out your old man kidnapped fictional characters from their dimensions and made them work as whores for weebs. Naturally all of these characters are legally distinct original characters and are in no way inspired or copied from existing media

LEGALLY DISTINCT

Gameplay is pretty much as dull as it gets. Make your whores work for money, see a lewd image with a couple lines of text, use money to buy more whores and let the ones you already have rest. There’s also an option to train them to unlock more scenes. Up to 4 each. Literally the only thing you need to worry about is making sure you have enough money to let one rest before you keep putting them to work. That’s it.

When it comes to smut, what you see is what you get. Obviously it’s all pretty rough stuff due to the whole “human trafficking” angle but it you’re into that it might make for a good time. No animation, voices, or sound effects. 20 girls and 80CGs. Not much writing either. Honestly the entire game feel more like a really convoluted gallery than something to play. I think the most disappointing part though is that this seems to be that the game is completely abandoned with the last public build being from May 4th. Maybe Sadi will pick this one back up and make it something worth playing but as of right now I’d just suggest looking at a gallery of the CGs somewhere.

Elven Conquest

You game has lots of art. You’d think at least one of them would be for the title.

Well this looks good. I always like dabbing on uppity knife ears. Lackluster menu aside I think this might be pretty fun. I was a bit disappointed when I found out it was last updated in September and figured it was dead. Did some digging and found out that not only is it not dead but it’s made by Pink Tea Games, who’s been updating the game on their Patreon. Currently they’re on V.1.4 and as usual the latest version is a patreon exclusive. Unfortunately for us they also aren’t willing to share any of their older versions for free. Despite mentions of a public release coming out a month after each Patreon release only V.1.1 is available online for free. So because I like you I dug around and found V1.3 on a sketchy games site.

All this needs is Cyrilic text for maximum trustworthiness.

Yeah so I know it looks sketchy but as far as me and Malwarebytes are confirmed it seems to be virus free. Here’s the V.1.3 download for Windows and if you’re feeling particularly brave than Linux, Mac, and…Android(?) versions can be found here. I haven’t tested these though so they may or may not give your device the clap.

UPDATE: My polish pallet maker friend has come through and used his advanced technique of “remembering F95zone exists” to find a much less sketchy link to .1.4. Praise the pallet lord!

So the plot of the game is that you, generic evil overlord killed all the elves. Except you didn’t. Some are hiding in some hippy commune in some forest somewhere. They send 2 elves to go kill you who I’m going to refer to as Faye and Seraphine. Faye is a knight and Seraphine is her servant. Of course, being elves, they fail and are captured. Faye offers to be your slave in exchange for you not hurting Seraphine. You lock Seraphine up in a tower and start training Faye. Then you can choose if you want to be kind or harsh with each of them and get different outcomes depending on what you chose.

So…The gameplay. Well at first it played like a regular VN with the addition of those animated sex scenes with the different buttons and a couple of timed dialogue choices. Mess up 2 choices in a row and you have to try again. Not so bad. Then you actually fight the elves and it turns into this.

Yeah. It looks just as bad when it’s moving. So…apparently the dev thought “You know what our VN RPG needs? The world’s worst minigame” and then decided to have the player control a jpeg of Satan and have you dodge waves of arrows. Not only does this look awful but it makes 0 sense. Admittedly, I’ve only seen the protagonist from the waist down but he definitely isn’t a big red devil. And why are the arrows like that? There’s only 2 elves. How are they shooting 4 arrows at once? I mean, it only lasts for 20 seconds and it isn’t that hard. The only reason I failed it once was due to shock and a mad scramble to get a screenshot. I know it’s a demo and this probably won’t be what it looks like in the final version but it’s just so jarring. It’s like watching a play and all of a sudden, while in character, an actor jumps off stage and makes you play Tic-tac-toe with them. The weirdest thing is that the game has other minigames that look infinitely better than this.

This is bullshit and makes no sense. Apparently the red thing is supposed to be a blood berry? Thought it was a Tomato.

The rest of the game’s minigames are either small puzzles or those interactive sec flash animations. The game is broken up into ranks. In each rank you need to max out Faye’s obedience, talk to Seraphine a bunch, and complete an extra mission. The extra mission is usually just a sex scene with a different character from outside the castle and an option to be harsh or kind. Talking to Seraphine is easy. You go to see her, get a choice between a clearly evil text option and a clearly nice one. Pick one and she’ll slide towards happy or sad. Get her all the way to one side or the other and you’re done with her until the next rank. Luckily you don’t have to rank up until you choose to so even if you get her all the way to sad you can just be nice to her a bunch to get her over to happy or vice versa.

Unfortunately giving her bread gives you good boy points so until she’s willing to eat out of the dog bowl she’ll get nothing.

Then you have the training aspect. Faye has stats for obedience, energy, and hunger along with a slider for how harsh or kind your training is. Every day you can train her by fucking her in various ways or having her do work at your ork bar. She loses energy from doing training and regains it by sleeping. She also gets hungrier when she sleeps but she’ll never actually starve. You’ll just gain harsh points for not feeding her. Depending on which kind of training you pick she’ll gain different amounts of obedience points and you’ll slide more towards harsh or kind. Get her obedience up to max and then you’re done with her. Much like Seraphine, you can keep training her as much as you want so you never have to worry about accidentally choosing a path you didn’t want. When you’re done with her and Seraphine and complete the extra mission you rank up and let the two see each other. Depending on how you’ve been treating them they’ll interact differently. Here’s the problem though. It isn’t always clear which option is harsh and which is kind.

Take this for example. I ranked up and unlocked these 2 scenes. Now, which one is harsh and which one is kind? Well, any kind of dom stuff sounds harsh but it’s femdom. Am I letting her boss me around? What about crotch rope? The fuck does that even mean? Well, all of those are wrong. Femdom is actually having 2 of your other unnamed female slaves fuck her with strap ons and gives you harsh points. Crotch rope is leaving her on a weird sex machine for a couple hours and for some reason this gives you soft points? That sounds pretty damn harsh to me. Either way, these aren’t a big problem seeing as you can just do a different event to get your treatment to however you want it to be but it’s a bit annoying.

The smut is…not really my cup of tea. For starters there’s a lot of BDSM stuff which I’ve always found to be kind of silly. I mean ropes are fine but weird leather straps everywhere and complicated sex machines are a but over the top for me. I’ve also never really enjoyed these interactive flash scenes. The animation has always felt stilted and clicking and dragging a pair of nipple clamps onto Faye’s tits makes me feel like I’m playing a weird dress up game. There is a gallery feature but as far as I can tell it’s only for certain scenes. The game doesn’t have manual saving either, just a single autosave. So if you want to see an early scene again you’re going to have to start over. On top of this there’s no way to rewind or look at a text log so if you accidentally click through some dialogue than it’s just gone.

Just gonna throw this up here.

This game…is flawed but not too bad. I know it’s a demo but I’m judging it based on if it’s a demo that’s worth playing. It definitely has issues. The minigames range from alright to awful to incredibly obtuse. The sex scenes are somewhat stilted and feel almost a little juvenile in their view of sex. BUT! I gotta admit, treating Seraphine nice and treating Faye like trash, letting them meet, and then watching Faye spiral further into despair as Seraphine talks about how great I am is peak Chad lawful-evil.

And so ends our Newgrounds round up. This kind of turned into a couple long reviews instead of a bunch of short reviews like I intended but the vast majority of the games in the adult section just seemed to be interactive flash animations that I can’t really talk about (Here is the best one of those by the way. Be sure to read the description). Overall this was pretty fun though and I think I’ll do it again sometime. As always, if you gave any feedback or requests just let me know either in the comments or through the contact page.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s