Greentext Does: Black Souls

You thought I was dead? I fucking wish. No, I’ve just been training inside the hyperbolic time chamber to hone my immense journalistic skills. Will I stay around? Who knows? Anyway, Polski recommended this to me a while ago and you know what? For an adult game fairy-tale dark souls parody it’s pretty decent.

The game starts, well, like Dark Souls. After a brief character creation where you can choose between starting as a thief, k***ht, or sorcerer (magic 4 lyfe) and choosing a starting item you wake up in a dungeon only to be let out by Fate Grand Order. Turns out there’s mysterious fog spreading out from a nearby castle that’s draining anyone touched by it of their souls and turning them into monsters. After Loremaster VaatiVidya gives you the skinny they’re promptly incinerated by a dragon and you’re plopped into the hub area. Functioning a lot like Dark Souls you have a main hub that holds merchants, NPCs, and a bonfire you can use to teleport around the world. After exploring the area, finding a couple items, and being called “stinky” by a fairy I was presented with a “rape” prompt and I instantly knew it was going to be one of those games. You know, the ones where your “high impact moral choices” boil down to choosing between either spending your time building schools for orphan puppies or injecting cyanide into fruit at the grocery store…And then jacking off on them.

Gameplay is your standard RPGmaker fare with a few slight differences. For starters characters gain AP based on their agility. When their AP reaches 100% they get to take a turn. Another feature is the ability to dodge and parry. At any time you can either dodge to render your character impossible to hit (by most moves) or parry to block (most moves) and deal damage back to the enemy. These 2 features combine to make playing a character focused on speed actually viable. The ability to smack an enemy, get another turn before they can do anything, and then prepare a dodge to avoid their next attack allows you to take down targets that would be impossible otherwise.

Another big aspect of the combat is summoning allies. As you play through the game you’ll encounter >women who can become party members and help you on your fuck quest. Unlike most RPGs you’ll never begin an encounter with them, you need to spend a turn to summon them. Once they’re there you have them for the rest of the battle. Back in the hub you can feed them souls to level them up (they seem to level up at least 2x as fast as you). You’d think having a level 144 boss being summoned by your level 42 crook would make levels a breeze but honestly their power doesn’t seem to scale in the same way yours does. Why would a game dev make a character level twice as fast as you do only to also make them about half as powerful? Because your level doesn’t really matter much. As you play you find souls of different colors (different from the souls items you can burn to acquire currency souls) that can buff your stats. And the game absolutely buries you in them. They’re not limited either. Easy enemy encounters can drop multiple souls that can permanently boost different stats by a percent or more. On top of this each time you die you get a black soul that you can burn to boost each of your stats by one. THIS is where you get your biggest power boosts. Not by leveling or upgrading gear.

Finally there’s the porn and I’m happy to report that it’s…drawn with markers? Yeah this is clearly odd and will probably put some people off. When I started playing I absolutely hated it but as I kept going I slowly began to become accustomed to it. Like it or not there’s definitely a lot of it. 97 scenes in total. Feed souls to a character to level them up? Sex scene. Decide that the fairies in the forest are annoying and kill them all with your dick? 3 more sex scenes. Get a new summonable character? Sex scene. In case you’re autistic enough to be on a site about sex games looking for a sex game to play with no sex than rest easy, you can disable the smut in the beginning of the game.

I had to dig around in my closet for an hour to find the hard drive with that custom font on it

So, is the game any good? Well, I suppose it’s alright for what it’s aiming for but it doesn’t really seem to be sure what it wants to be. It starts off like Dark Souls, it has little Dark Souls elements, but the story isn’t really reminiscent of Dark Souls. It’s a fairytale with Little Red Riding hood and The Ugly Duckling and Snow white. Why they even decided to have the Dark Souls theming is kind of beyond me. The quiet, mysterious, and overall dead feeling that Dark Souls plays on is missing here and it shows.

You can get the game for $15 here and, just because I like you, here is a file containing the game, a little helpful guide, and a 100% save file with all the scenes to view as you want.

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