Greentext screams at: “Deus Machina Demonblade”.

Alright! I’m a massive Lovecraft fan and I was told this was an adult visual novel with sex and Lovecraftian horror! Super excited! I hear it takes a while to get into the porn though so this will probably be in multiple parts. Anyways, lets get right into it.

Hang on. Lemme check something.

 

Hmmmm…

 

Hmmmmmmm…

 

Oh here it is! Right after “The Whisperer In Darkness”. It’s Lovecraft’s famous story “The Big Dumb Anime Mech That Kills Dagon With Dual Wielded Space Pistols”

 

I’m just going to pretend I never even saw this title screen. Lets start.

 

Alright…cautiously optimistic here.

 

This is pretty good. I’m liking this so far. Writing is thematically on point too.

 

And this is a pretty good line! Huh, I guess maybe I was being too hard on the game. I’ll concede that Lovecraftian horror is entirely possible in a universe of big dumb Gundams as long as they aren’t doing something silly like killing Cthulhu with one.

 

Oh shit! A big evil space hole! I bet something crazy is going to come out of it!

 

Aww cool! Some horrible space time monstrosity that the human brain can’t even comprehend! I’ll bet it’ll be made of colors that don’t exist. I’ll bet it will be some kind of gibbering pile of non-Euclidean angles and screaming voices. I’ll bet it will be horrific!

 

Oh dear god no.

 

FUCKING WHAT? NO. NO NO YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE THE “INCONCEIVABLE HORROR” A BIG FUCKING ROBOT THAT LOOKS LIKE A DUDE!

 

Yeah this is bad. If the big robot was the protagonist than whatever but having the big robot as the horror from outside of time and space is bad. Here, lemme try and explain why this is a bad thing.

 

This is an Old One. Is it upside down? Is it in pain? I can’t fucking tell.

 

This is Shub-Niggurath. I can’t even tell where it starts and where it ends.

 

Seeing a theme here? Lovecraftian monsters are either A: A perversion of the human form or B: nearly indescribable monsters. When Lovecraft referred to something as having aspects of “the other” he didn’t just mean it was kind of weird looking. The other referred to something so strange, so foreign, so far removed from anything a normal human ever has or ever will see that it becomes nearly impossible to describe. “The other” isn’t just different. It’s uncompareable. It’s not something you can look at and go “Oh yeah, that’s a mech and it looks like it’s missing an arm”. I know what a mech is. We all know what mechs are.

 

I don’t know what this is. (It’s Yog-Sothoth)

 

Anyways, rant over. Back to the game.

 

Mhm. Ok, light shaping itself into weird symbols is alright. I guess one could make the argument that a normal object or person with abilities that are difficult to describe could be considered Lovecraftian. A normal guy (or in this case a mech) using the powers of the old gods might be interesting.

 

I’m game. What do you have for me?

 

I’m sorry?

 

Remember in “At The Mountains of Madness” when the arctic explorers stumble across a Shoggoth? Remember when they ran, crying, laughing, and screaming away from it because just looking at it set their brains on fire? Remember when they guy who looked back at it went insane and spent the rest of his life in an asylum?

 

Remember when the Shoggoth whipped out an M16 and started spraying bullets at them?

 

Got it. Big dumb Gundam falls out of the space hole and fires his hunnit dolla hi point back into it.

 

Correction: Hunnit dolla space laser gun

 

Alright, calm down now. I highly doubt if our all knowing creator exists it looks like a big Gundam.

 

Can we get some fish people and racism in here? I think that’ll help Lovecraft things up a bit.

 

Ugh. Big red robot killed the iron one by the way.

 

And the anime opening just started. Complete with vocals. Great. Look, lemme clarify. I have nothing against big robots using the power of the old gods. My problem is when they’re fighting other robots being passed off as “other”.

 

Ewwwwww. Look. Japan. Buddy. I come to you when I want to get AWAY from the ugly looking 3d models.

 

I remember reading a book called “Homo Deus” that touched on this. The author made a really interesting point. He argued that while we had made a deal and traded away the purpose in life given by religion in exchange for the scientific method and the power that brings we had found a way to cheat and often gain purpose from humanism even if we don’t realize it. Good book.

 

I’m pretty sure we built cities because someone went “Hey maybe tigers and other people will eat us less if we all hang out in a big pile”.

 

We talking about the lovey dovey new testament God or the batshit crazy old testament God?

 

I think the much more interesting aspect here is your self-identified cycle of struggling.

 

One might make the argument that the concept of God exists for the purpose of being used as a source of comfort and stability.

 

One might also argue that instead of standing around waxing theology you should just go ask the pastor for a sandwich. I’m pretty sure a big part of their job is helping the hungry.

 

Do you mean saltwater? Or were you downing bottles of water and chasing it with salt?

 

Are you sure this takes place in the US and not in Soviet Russia?

 

Oh no? Just sneak into a diner and snag some packets or a shaker. My grandmother used to steal silverware from restaurants so it’s probably not too hard.

 

The fuck is an Engel’s coefficient? I looked it up but I can literally only find that phrase used in Japanese and Chinese media.

 

Sure sounds like you are.

 

AHA!!

 

Bring out the bubbly! Drop the confetti! Bust out the clowns! A character finally did what I was yelling at them to do!

 

Wait a few hours. This is literally his house. They’ll show up.

 

Lick the floorboards for nourishment like the pioneers did.

 

Damn you Ahura Mazda!

 

This guy is like rank F homeless. A real S rank would have eaten those birds.

Pretty sure you only get that if you do something interesting.

 

Some really upbeat…jazz(?) just started playing. You’re just going to have to take my word for it. Edit: Oh shit it has lyrics, Japanese lyrics. Sounds catchy. Reminds me of the Bayonetta soundtrack.

Last line reminds me of a Chinese chick I know.

 

Fangs, why does it have fangs?

 

Protip: If you ever see someone in a sleeveless hoodie, turn around and walk away. They just aren’t trustworthy.

 

Also walk away if you see someone who has eyes that float above their fucking hair. Actually in that case just run. On another note, gotta admit, this jazz in the background is pretty nice. Snapping my fingers, feeling relaxed.

 

(Confused)▼

 

God I want to punch this little shit. Look at that face, it’s like babbys first manga.

 

(Still confused as to why I’m being told and now shown this)▼

 

A much better way of doing this would have been if in the next line the protagonist thought something like “Why is she putting things on my head?” so you didn’t have to tell us what was going on. Also where the fuck in (what is implied to be) a large city did you just find a snake?

 

(Thinking he’s going to stop using this joke because it might start to get annoying)▼

 

Didn’t think we’d get porn this early in the game. (Jazz is still really snazzy. I feel like I should be in a streetside cafe watching the traffic go by during a heavy snowstorm).

 

God. Right now I’m imagining my kindly old priest, Father Damian, going “Hey Greentext! I see you’re playing with those kids. Are you trying to make them prey to your carnal lusts?” Eugh.

 

Having a character break the 4th wall like that while on the verge of death can be funny. If they keep doing it, especially out loud when talking to someone, it just starts being stupid.

 

Sister Chesty La Rue over here better give me a fucking sammich

 

You know what, I think I’m starting to come around on our main character. He and me seem to be on the same level.

 

Aren’t we in an economic crisis? Are there even any jobs to do?

 

My man!

 

No you shouldn’t. Kids, take it from me. Hard work is only a means to an end. You either work hard because you care about your job (IE: Helping a friend or completing a personal project) or because you care about the results hard work will bring (IE: a promotion or making a good impression at work). If, like me, you work alone in a trailer all day with no one to keep track of how good you’re doing than feel free to be as lazy as you want.

 

Admittedly I am a lonely, single, incompetent, broke, failure with crippling depression who’s stuck at a dead end job and talks about porn games on /aco/ for validation so maybe you shouldn’t be taking advice for me.

 

Man, I wanted to be a Network Architect. Maybe I should just join the marines or something. Get out of this town.

 

Good point game. Who can resist a good lecture? I guess you’re right. I should give college another shot.

 

Also a good point. Why should I feel guilty? I live fairly comfortably. So what if my job is pointless and meaningless. I could just keep doing this forever. It’s not the worst thing in the world.

 

Kind of lost me there sister. Oh well. Old timey detective+noir jazz+lovecraft has me fully erect though.

 

God I wish I lived in a time where it’s still socially acceptable to wear a trench coat and hat, carry a revolver, and drink heavily out of a flask.

 

“Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” is a legitimately good movie to watch when drunk/high off your face and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

What charm? All you’ve done is eat her food and argue that you don’t need to get a job.

 

Because I got lazy and complacent. I enjoyed the networking work but everything else felt like a slog. Then I started skipping class thinking “I can afford to miss a day” then those days piled up and eventually I didn’t even know what the teacher was talking about.

 

Oof, ouch my heart.

 

OOH. YEAH. OOH. Listen to that sax that just came in! HOT!! We ditched that lame ass relaxing cafe. Now this jazz is taking me to the city streets. It’s late at night and I’m full of energy. Walking down the sidewalk as people stagger out of bars with their friends to head home. I am FEELING IT!! Also I’m wearing a zoot suit for some reason.

 

Hitting dangerously close to home there.

 

Wasn’t me.

 

Uhhh. Yeah no, that’s a Nazi.

 

Actual or metaphorical? Using words like that before a setting is fully established in a story is a bad idea.

 

Killer robots causin trouble? In this city? FUHGEDDABOUDIT! The street Nazis’ll take care of em.

 

Yeah but then you don’t get a gun. Or do you?

 

Yo, that window? Super fucking tasteful.

 

Hold up. Arkham?

 

This Arkham? Miskatonic University Arkham? Witch house Arkham? Fuck man. Cool! We’re in future Arkham!

 

Don’t remember alchemy being a publicly acknowledged thing in Lovecraft’s works but alright. It’s your story. Do as you please.

 

Yeah, a main character who doesn’t look fucking stupid.

 

I really like that window though. Also the jazz changed again. It’s taking me to a city bridge at sunset as I walk and think about my mistakes. Still wearing the zoot suit.

 

Can’t collect what I don’t have, nerd.

 

HNGGG. LOOK AT THAT FUCKING TELEPHONE. JESUS I LOVE NOIR SETTINGS. And this SMOOTH JAZZ. I love this shit!

 

Good feelings gone now.

 

Yeah, usually the idiots with dumb Sephiroth hair stick to the other side of the tracks.

 

I’m sorry? Was the wrong image used there? I promise I didn’t skip over a scene where someone new walked in. This just popped up for some reason.

 

Ahh. Little girl in the hallway, nevermind.

Christ. Protagonist wasn’t kidding when they said their heating was shut off. Must be like 20 degrees in there.’

 

Yeah no. We call that color “purple”.

 

Yeah I’m just going to refer to our character as “Dick Gumshue”. That name sounds detectivey enough. No, wait. “Humphrey Bogart”

 

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the phrase “Third-rate”. I’ve heard “First-rate” and “Second-rate” but never third.

 

Hair was obviously brown but please, continue.

 

Get it? Nuke? Chinks? It’s funny.

 

“Pigtails” it is then.

 

I always thought it was the fish people.

 

I like our main character. I’m just going to replace his image with that of Humphrey Bogart though.

 

Don’t you sass Humphrey!

 

Well, there goes any hope for themes of forbidden knowledge since sorcerers are a known thing.

 

I mean…you do look like you live in a crack house.

 

Oh shit! Humphrey Bogart went to Miskatonic!!

 

YES! This is exactly what I wanted! Fuck the big dumb mechs, fuck the street Nazis. I want a scientist or detective loosing his mind because he looked at a cosmic horror.

 

God damnit. There it goes again. You can’t have Lovecraftian themes of forbidden knowledge that the world isn’t ready to know if everyone knows magic is a thing.

 

Miskatonic University didn’t have fucking occult studies as a goddamn summer course. I know, I know. This is a re-imagining of Lovecraft’s world but I’m still going to keep harping on this. This is like having a story set in Middle Earth but giving everyone pickup trucks and lasers.

 

Even Lovecraft didn’t know about it!

 

YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO. YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTS!!

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!