Damn that’s a hot logo. I’ll admit I want to fuck that logo. I’m not ashamed.
You’d think title art would be one of the first things they made. I mean, they have Nomo doing the art and Nomo does great work.
Hmm.
Wait.
Forgot the orc horde.
Protip: Dress like a prostitute. Enemies will be confused and think they missed the battle. Then stab them in the face
Better get out of that armor and into this mankini if you want to survive soldier.
Ahh yes. I think Alexander suffered through this same issue after the defeat of Darius III and the collapse of the Persian empire.
He too had to deal with orcs.
In what universe are the most loyal soldiers not also the most competent? Surely the skilled veterans who have been serving for years would be the most loyal, no?
This is the face of a man who just realized he’s about to be killed for plot development.
3 actually!
AHAHAHAHA!! LOOK AT HIS FACE!!! Oh my god. He looks so disinterested. I’m fucking dying.
“Yeah I guess I’ll raid that village and rape those maidens. Whatever, we’re all going to die someday anyways”
What neck?
That’s what you get for not for not forming…
AN IMPENETRABLE ROMAN MARCHING FORMATION*
*Not effective against framea wielding Germanic tribes.
[Insert spiderman meme here]
Dear god I cannot get over these orc faces. They look like they just couldn’t care less.
Orc tribal politics. This should be interesting.
Aaaaand crash.
Yeah no. That’s a yurt.
Leaving her leotard on would be far too dangerous. She could fight her way out if she had armor like that.
Ooga Chaka Ooga Ooga, Ooga Chaka Ooga Ooga, Ooga Chaka Ooga Oog-
Don’t know why she looks so shocked considering she already knew this.
I’m just noticing. Those pointy bits on the elf’s legs must really dig into her thighs.
Who needs Law and Order? I have all my courtroom drama and action right here.
Whaaaaaaaa? Oh nooooooo.
So she knew her sister was plotting against her? There’s a lot of options available to you when you’re a commander in an army and you worry someone is plotting to kill you. You could take a squad of loyal veterans and keep them close to you at all times. You could flee to a neighboring nation. You could resign from politics all together and hope that you’re left alone. You could strike first and use the admiration of your troops to lead them against whoever is plotting against you. What you don’t do is leave your veterans behind and go off to the borders of your empire with a squad of soldiers you don’t know on the orders of the person you think is planning to kill you. This is like the political equivalent of the horror movie character walking into the dark room murder room to be eaten by ghosts.
Probably the latter considering it’s usually not wise to choose to send someone to the location containing your secrets and then go “Well now I have to kill them to keep them from finding out about my secrets”.
According to my calculations we need to suck off like 200 orcs first.
Yeah no. Heading back to the place where the person trying to kill you and all of their soldiers are is usually a bad idea when you’re alone and unarmed.
“Man, I’m thirsty”
“Oh really, me too?”
“I’ll think I’ll hike to the well forest. I’ll bring you back a bucket of water. I should be back in like 3 days. Gonna take me a while to scale your lawn mountains.”
Why didn’t we stop and get actual clothes before we left?
Oh here we go. Look, it’s not their fault they’re committing crimes. It’s the white man’s fault for making them want to commit crimes.
*laughs in Visigoth*
Yeah. Those scraps of leather offer WAY less protection than your cloth leotard.
I think her purple hair dye might have seeped into her skull and given her brain damage because she is an impressively shitty politician.
Got it. Gain allies among the orcs and use that as support to kill the mage.
I really hope this is foreshadowing.
Fun fact: Sierra is literally incapable of writing a story without political 4d chess.
Jesus Christ. That’s an impressive “camp”. By the way. Can you guess which one of the yurts is yours?
Took me forever to find that. Especially since it transformed from a dome shaped yurt into a tent.
No she doesn’t.
Sierra why you so good at world building?
Why do so many adult games have this pattern? You start as a maid or cleaning for money, then you save up to buy a tavern outfit to serve drinks, you get groped serving drinks, and then you become a hooker. I’m willing to bet this game will have it too.
What a swell dude.
Here we go!!
Fucking called it!!
Damn I love Nomo’s art! (This is the part where people dig up some art that Nomo made that doesn’t look good or is for cucks and post it thinking it invalidates what I said)
2/3
Political 4d chess is starting.
These orcs are pretty cool dudes. Shame there’s no Orcent cameo though. He is always #1 philosopher orc.
Why you have to be such a bitch tho?
See? I told you. Every time. First cleaning to afford a bartender outfit, then bartending, then dick sucking.
Bought some leather armor to spar with. It’s very important to never cover up your stomach when wearing armor. Think about it like this. Your stomach is the most vulnerable part of your body right? If you get stabbed there it’s probably going to fuck you up whether you’re wearing armor or not. Instead of wasting leather on your stomach put extra leather over the more sturdy parts of your body like your ribcage. That way you’re pretty much invincible there and your whole body is really well protected instead of a couple parts that are super vulnerable. Source: Logic and shit
Get fucking rekt. That’s what you get for trying to sass my man Tats.
Yeah what’s up with those? Some kind of fashion thing?
Really? Are you kidding me? They’re leggings. The last divine artifact of your home is leggings?
Yeah if I was a god I wouldn’t want my followers to have my image on a medallion or a shield or a ring. I would want it on fucking leggings. And they would have to be uncomfortable pointy ones too. Also, doesn’t matter how tough your armor is if it only covers 10% of your body.
Theology in a fantasy realm where gods are 100% legit is always interesting but I can never understand how some people don’t believe in them. If my local priest could use his bonus action and faith in Jesus to cast level 5 Mass Healing Word to heal me for 1+2d4 than it’d be kind of hard to stay skeptical.
Ok. Time to preform the orc initiation ritual to become an honorary member of the tribe to provide testimony at the trial of the rogue group of orcs to please Cape to use his support to kill the archmage who sent the group of rogue orcs after me in the first place.
*Tribal tom-tom noises intensify*
The closest thing I have to a “skill” is not being able to bend my right wrist back more than 30° backwards because I broke it when I was in middle school by punching my friend Tim in the stomach for flicking a bottle cap into my eye. I didn’t know he had a calculator in his coat pocket so I punched that instead. Since I was a stupid kid who didn’t know how to punch good I messed something up in there. Being an idiot I didn’t go to get it looked at for like 3 months.
Turns out that 3 months of moving my wrist when the bones were in bad places was bad. When I finally got it looked at it turned out my scaphoid bone was literally just gone. It had gotten moved around, broken up, and ground away or some shit. At least that’s what I was told. They had to cut a chunk out of my pelvis and shave it down to look kind of like the right shape and stick it in there. They did a shit job though and now my wrist don’t work anymore. That is my talent. Be amazed.
Oh so she has to be careful not to eat shit while carrying a mildly heavy log. Yeah, this sounds more like a game show challenge than rite of passage into a tribe of orcs.
Hmm.
Yeah. It’s official. The Sateré-Mawé ripped off Sierra.
Look at these creatively bankrupt fucks. They even copied Pixar
Stuck my hands in the ouch hole real good like and now I’m an official orc!
Why. You. Such. A. Cunt. Tho?
Is it just me or are people wearing metal diadems usually trustworthy?
You know what. I’m starting to wonder if I’m being played. Honestly the only reason I’ve trusted this orc is because he’s not the typical hand wringing mustache twirling villain. Of course I think Sierra is competent enough to realize that. Hmmm.
This kind of reminds me of Huey from MGSV. My brain keeps telling me “This person is sketchy as fuck. Stop listening to them!” but my heart is telling me “Aww, look at that face. You can trust them!”
Gonna be honest. Hard to feel much attachment for humanity when the only humans I’ve met so far have been seriously incompetent.
How did you get scarred up that badly? How is that even possible? Did you try to wrestle a combine harvester?
Ooga chaka, ooga ooga ooga chaka, ooga ooga ooga chaka-
On that note I think I’m going to finish up and post this for now. I actually had a lot of fun with this one and might consider doing a part 2. Depends what you guys want. Feel free to contact me with suggestions or insults.
As always you can download the game for free here.
Greentext Does 