Greentext Goes Through Prison Battleship

So while dicking around on the /d/ games general discord I saw someone hyping up an English translation of “Prison Battleship 2” and thought “Hey, boats are cool. Lets check this out”. So after some digging I found the first game in the series and had originally planned on doing a review of it. After playing the game for a few minutes however I decided that it was too hilarious to not show in full so let’s do an LP of it together. Welcome to Captive Market in spaaaace.

So the plot is basically that humanity has spread throughout the stars and the people living on other planets are all “Hey Earth! You’re old news. We’re the new hotness!” and then Earth is all “Fuck you uppity space niggers!” and now they have war. So basically Evangelion Gundam.

There are 2 groups. The noble and pure sons and daughters of Terra, the Neo Terrors. And the stinky migrant space carpetbaggers, the New Solars.

I wonder if the character was originally named Donny or if that was a translation. Also I like how that screen is positioned so it’s either too far or at a weird angle for literally everyone that could be seated in the room.

As with most important things it only makes sense to not let people know ahead of time.

So while this is worded a little weird I think it’s trying to say that someone knows our secrets and we need to kill them. With our dicks.

Gonna be honest. I like this ship design. I like spaceships that don’t look sleek or fancy at all.

You work as part time cabaret girls?

I’m pretty sure if your group is at war with another than sabotage and assassination aren’t really illegal. Unless the two of you aren’t at war yet. I honestly can’t tell.

And why shouldn’t they be? Earth rocks. We got the Grand Canyon, the Pyramids, that big garbage patch in the Pacific ocean, Mount Everest, we have tons of cool shit. All space has is lame rocks. Fuck those uppity space fucks.

Ok. So some women have our secrets. Surely we’ll poison them or send someone to shoot them in the face right?

Nope, the cure for this political incident is rape.

Clearly Subordinate 3 is….excited about this? Is he in pain? Try making that noise. Right now, while you’re reading this. Is this an Asian thing or a Space thing?

Our first girl is Motoko Kusanagi Lieri Bishop. Her defining personality traits are, intelligence, charisma, and tits.

And then we have her space maid, Naomi Evans. She’s well known for….talent?

Ok so we aren’t at war yet? We’re like the nationalist space Earth party? But we have our own ships. But we aren’t separate nations? This is kind of confusing.

I mean Titan is a moon but whatever. Unless they also named a planet Titan in which case I have to wonder why they would do something so confusing.

Can’t wait

Wait what? Are we not doing the whole capture rape thing?

Ah. So we aren’t skipping ahead. This is a flashback. So instead of “That was 4 years ago” it should have just said “4 years ago”.

A van? Really? It’s the year 2XXX and we have terraforming and FTL travel and we still use vans?

They’ll never expect for an entire platoon of space soldiers to be hiding in there.

See now it’s a good thing we can fall back to our stealth van.

See the Major forgot that when trying to carbomb a building you have to crash the car BEFORE you blow it up. Same way my Great Uncle Shamus went out.

This is probably the only chance I’m ever gonna get to link this.

A. That sentence reads like I’m having a stroke and B. In what universe does that look like a turtle?

Ooooh. Scary. Hear that boys? It has 9 whole millimeters of bullet. Actually it looks like it has 2 of them.

Imagine Jamal with his hunnit dolla hi-point. Now give him another. Now give him some pots and pans as armor. Now he can fly. That is what this drone is.

I mean it looks like a pretty nice neighborhood.

Ok. So this really is Captive Market in space. A long time ago people in another army fucked you over and now you destroy them via dicking.

So I got caught, told them I was just in the neighborhood looking for hookers, and then they broke my ribs and handed me over to the police. Then I spent half a year in prison for saying that I was looking for a hooker. Christ.

Boooo. Stop sneaking NTR into my wholesome space rape game.

Wait. So when they were talking about “The planet Titan” they didn’t mean the moon. They didn’t mean a separate planet also named Titan. They meant a space station also named Titan that also orbits Saturn? Why? Why would you do this game?

The idea of a soldier having their own clothing brands is absolutely hilarious.

And I would throw obscene amounts of money at Mattis branded items.

She literally looks exactly the same.

Should probably get that checked out my dude. The space clap is no joke. What do you think killed Captain Kirk?

Don’t shit talk the sublimity of my people’s spirits you stupid exoplanet whore.

So it seems to me that a ship should have large and plain canteens and small fancy dining rooms for the captain and guests. Not large fancy banquet halls. Like do the crew eat here at these linen covered tables for lunch every day? Or does this room just sit empty 99% of the time?

She knows?

So let me get this straight. Her plan was to go onto a ship with no support aside from her aid and then go “Hey. I, a woman with massive tits, have found out that you, the captain of this ship, have a record of violently raping women. I’m going to arrest you now” and then just expect him and his crew to just keep driving them to their destination for 10 days so they could be arrested? This is literally the most retarded plan I have ever heard in my entire life.

“Hey why don’t I go onto this ship with the CAPTAIN I KNOW IS A MILITANT POLITICAL DISSIDENT WHO HAS ATTEMPTED TO KILL PEOPLE IN MY AGENCY BEFORE?” This is the equivalent of Margaret Thatcher going onto the “SS IRA Rapists” and then a day after leaving port going “Aha, I knew you and your crew were nationalist Irish terrorists, now you’re under arrest!”

Or I could have one of my POTENTIALLY HUNDREDS OF MEN beat you to death with a pipe and then sail in the opposite direction.

So if your goal isn’t to arrest me than why would you even take this ship? You need to get to Earth so badly you’re offering a reward and a pardon to a known terrorist who you know is out to kill you instead of just taking another ship? Why? I cannot comprehend this.

Or I could have you shot. My god this makes no sense.

$50 says she’ll kick his ass.

I win. Also Lieri just asked me to hand her my gun. And I did it. I can only assume literally every person in this universe is retarded.

Oh so that’s what I look like. Also WHY DID I LET HER DO THAT?! 

THANK YOU!!!

Alright. Yet more reason to just shoot them both.

So Donny here has come up with a plan to fuck over both of them. Let’s have another wager. $50 says that the original plan fails but the secret backup plan succeeds.

What did I tell you?

Now surrender and then release your secret plan

What did I tell you?!

And they thought they could defeat this?

So I learned something interesting. Turns out gassing people when you can’t precisely control the amount of gas each person gets is super dangerous. Like enough sedative to knock out a 300lb guy can potentially kill a 120lb woman. The more you know.

Ahh yes. I see I’ve awoken inside my rapeatorium.

Seems inconvenient. What if one of the crew wants to work late at night? Does he just have to sneak past the captain sleeping?

From Left to Right. We got my man Hans “Rubber Knuckle” Dietrich. Those gloves have been passed down from Dietrich to Dietrich for 8 generations. Next we have Carnegie Mellon graduate and Israeli nationalist Ingvar Malone. To his right is Magnus J. Magnus. Magnus here has preformed over 300 heart transplants. They say that only those who have led a virtuous life live through his procedure. To this day no one knows why. Finally we have Olav. He’s studying to become an anesthesiologist and is here shadowing Dr. Malone. He’s very busy with his studies though so he won’t be able to hang out after the mind break gangbang.

hot It’s not like they’re going to be normal when we’re done anyways.

Chemistry is bullshit. When I was in high school I stole a bunch of chemical supplies from my school to do backyard science with. I nearly killed myself. But that’s a story for another time.

Same. But my tastes consist of not working. Also no one’s called me a genius since second grade.

I was going to write some snarky shit wondering what kind of scientific measurements you can take via someone’s snatch but since earlier they explicitly stated that the brainwashing is done via arousal I guess this kind of makes sense?

I mean how can you not be intimidated by these two?

…

OOF. You know I gotta admit though. The trashness of the NTR is lessened somehow by not seeing the person you’re cucking.

Fun fact. To make a 7 day voyage between Titan and Earth they’ll be going around 8,333,333kph right now. For you Americans that’s 91,134,437 football fields per hour.

I mean, naturally.

You know what’s a really good breakfast? Potato pancakes with sour cream. They’re a bitch to make though. Plus I’m on a diet and I can’t have them. Instead I buy some farm fresh eggs from my man Jose. Then I make some bomb-ass scrambled eggs.

Well there’s a new fetish I never knew I had.

So you can plant more tiny cameras? I saw Spy Kids. I know how this shit works. You’re not getting anything past me.

Yeah uh no?

No. No times a million. I couldn’t list all the reasons that’s a terrible idea even if I had all day.

Oh great. Fake choices that don’t really exist. Fucking fine. Although I’m surprised they still have me paranoid even after I started mind breaking them.

Why would someone be such a bitch? She doesn’t even know we’re enemies.

Not gonna lie. I like that the protagonist is as paranoid as I am. These fuckers is up to something.

“Sir it appears they’ve been searching the ships database for “Free midi files Tetris theme” and “Watch Homestar Runner online torrent” all night”.

They’re up to something! The question is “How much do they know?”. I suppose going on the ship on purpose to get brainwashed and find secrets might explain their apparent autism.

Time for the sex.

Yes you can TELL ME YOUR SECRETS

Stop thinking with your dick. Find out what they’re up to. Fuck later.

For those of you who don’t know phimosis is when your foreskin is autistic and tiny and makes your dick all horrible looking. It’s certainly not majestic. Why the game is trying to appeal to people with broken dicks is beyond me.

Phimosis basically makes your dick look like this. Permanently.

Ah yes. The traditional standard issue Navy lace stockings. Also glad the censorship’s there. Now I can pretend our protagonist has a normal dick.

Who’s Jyuru? What is a chupachupa? What’s Pichu doing getting mixed up in all this?

Is this supposed to be onomatopoeia for sucking noises? Do Japs make different noises when they suck?

Does every character in this story have a broken dick? We’ve invented brainwashing, FTL travel, artificial gravity, and Spanish Fly that actually works but we still can’t cure phimosis? Why do you keep bringing this up game?

And there’s my cue to go. When the game turns into cleaning the rancid semen off of someone’s Quasimodo freak dick than it’s time for me to leave. I might come back to playing this one or just check out the sequel depending on if it takes place right after this one. If you’re interested in the game you can get it here. Just remember to hit the “free downloads” tab.

Remember to hit me up with any insults, questions, or suggestions for next time.