So, I actually didn’t plan on doing this. I was looking for a game to play. Someone on the /d/ games discord mentioned this one and I thought I’d give it a look. The idea of an adult text adventure game had me interested. I started to play and realized this was too fucking weird not to share. Don’t worry. I was only about 5 minutes in. I’ll just start over now and go through with you guys.
Upon seeing this my first thought was “This title screen looks like shit. I’m already excited”. Then I thought “Oh, content options! Good, I can disable futa and other /d/ shit”.
Jesus Christ! Can I set the my anal circumference or the internal temperature of my left testicle? Is this fucking FATAL?
For once I am really just speechless. I mean…What can I even say here?
I just….I don’t even know man.
Have I ascended? Is this peak /d/?
I mean…Tomboys can be cute I suppose. Although in my mind tomboy means “Girl with short hair and slightly boyish features or personality traits”. I’m kind of scared as to what this game decides it means.
Ok. I think I have this sorted.
Am I playing a video game or getting a loan? Lets get started already
Alright. Looks like Gyro has begun to exist. Good.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I knew it! This is weird Dwarf Fortress for perverts.
Ok. First speed bump. How do I transfer items? Double click, click and drag, click and click where I want it, shift click, and control click all aren’t working.
Oh I see. My UI if just borked and there’s a little menu you can find if you scroll down for 10 seconds.
Does no one in fiction know they can just tuck a boner into their pants to hide it? Of course it won’t be comfortable, especially if you’re wearing a belt but it’s not that hard of a thing to take care of.
Picking student because I’m still holding out hope that this game will turn into Lovecraftian horror and I’ll need my brains for that.
Text “5” to 555-555-5555 if I should say yes. That’s the word “five” texted to 5 five’s along with 4 more fives. Once more that’s 5555555555 “Five (5)” if you don’t want me to not say yes.
Votes are in. Nah. Not happening. Thirsty ass ho isn’t getting any of this protagonist dick.
Nice try talking mirror. No fucking way.
I knew it! Lovecraftian nightmares! Bring on the crawling horrors from outside of time and space! Bring on the shimmering elder things from forgotten dark suns! Show me the non-euclidean monstrosities!
The invisible Dunwich horror!?
“Lilith” isn’t a very horrific name. It should be something like “”Lu’ithagha”. Just throw some apostrophes in there until it’s spooky enough.
When I said I wanted something that would destroy my sanity by looking at it I didn’t mean fucking furries.
OH GOD WE’RE IN EUROPE.
Got saved by a demon version of my aunt apparently. Also I have protagonist powers so that’s nice.
Alright. Well I just got off of a massive plot dump. Apparently I’m in ye olde fuck Europe, my demon aunt is the daughter of the big boss who’s a different demon. Also I have demon powers because reasons? Now, I could go and fuck the demon aunt. That’s what the game is pushing me to do. OR!
I could beat the shit out of hungry thots…
And then take all of their shit…
To sell at the furry pawn ship for mad dosh.
Shut up twink, I’m here to take your fillings and sell them for booze money.
Finally. A useful perk.
I have vanquished the evil succubus. What ever shall I do?
Take her shit, that’s what.
Is everyone on this planet some kind of pervert? I mean yeah, I’m carrying around a bag full of assless chaps and nipple pasties but I just took those off of unconscious women so I could sell them, not because I’m a weirdo.
YEEEHAWW! Got me a cowboy hat that makes my urethra all stretchy.
Hey, Why did the wizard have wet hair when he got to his date?
Because before he left he had to take a
Great. The guy I was supposed to find has been arrested. I love it when games move your goal posts.
Went to the police station, beat the shit out of everyone there, disappointed the game by not fucking anyone, found out Arthur has been sold into slavery. I better not find this old wizard dude in a gimp suit at some creepy sex place.
This isn’t good game design. Just let me fucking do the thing.
Public sex stocks sound fun and all but then you realize that they’d be a great way to spread STDs like wildfire. That and you’d probably get fleas from the furries.
I’m literally just passing through the harpy village. This is the equivalent of you visiting Chicago and someone stopping you on the street going “Why are you here?! I bet you’re here to insult Anthony Rizzo or vandalize our bean! Die!”.
Hold up….Animals that lay eggs don’t breastfeed. Why does this harpy have tits?
Oh shit son. Got to go. The Association of Field Ornithologists are kicking in my front door and are trying to unload pallets of grant money in my living room.
If you too would like to learn about birds download the game here.
Or don’t because it’s not very fun.